"Dear God, my heart hurts"

Friday, September 22--first day of fall for 2017.  I looked at the weather forecast and it looks like it will be the first week of October before we are going to feel fall weather.  And I can tell you one thing, I look forward to those cooler temperatures for sure!

These days I have mixed feelings about fall.  It used to be my favorite time of year.  The cooler temps, the Friday nights of football, the opening of hunting season.  I loved watching the leaves change colors, making pots of soup, snuggling in a blanket.  Good things.  Fun things.  Happy things.

BUT, then there is the other side of fall.  The things that make it less of a favorite.  Both of my parents died in the fall.  Several other close family members died in the fall.  Less sunshine, more clouds, deeper depression.  Bad things. Heartbreaking things.  Sad things.

So every year I have to make a conscious decision as to how I am going to react.  And some years it is harder than others.  As I tried to pray the other night before bed all I could say was, "Dear God, my heart hurts."  No other words.  No other thoughts for others that needed prayers.

I know that was a selfish prayer but I also know that God hears all of our prayers--even when we are focused on ourselves.  Jeremiah 29:12 says "Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you."  He promised to hear our prayers and we know that God does not go back on His promises.  So that night as I lay there unable to sleep, unable to cry, unable to think beyond the pain, I started letting all of the sad thoughts go through my mind.  Then one of my favorite verses came into my mind--"For everything there is a season..." (Ecclesiates 3:1).  Ok, then.  This is just a season and then it will pass. But that verse finishes with "...and a time to every purpose under the heaven."

So over the next few days I thought about that word "purpose".  God has a purpose for everything we face, for every trial, for every triumph, for every valley and every mountain.  And I know there is a purpose for my hurting heart.  In time I will know, I will see, and I feel like I'm being shown a glimmer of the direction where all of that pain and loss can be used to bring glory to God.



As I said, I've always loved the changing of the colors of the leaves in the fall.  As they die it shows us that there is beauty in growing old and reaching the end of our time.  That even as we depart from our original purpose that we can still be of use.  So that is what I need to focus on.  The fact that we all have a cycle of life and there will be seasons and some will bring joy and some will bring sadness but they all come from God.  I want to be like one of those leaves.  I want to bring Him glory regardless of changes going on.  I want to be of use until I'm all used up.  That will be my goal this year.  To provide beauty in the form of a helping hand, a listening ear or a strong shoulder to those people God sends my way--that would be an excellent way to spend this fall!

Even though I miss my loved ones no longer with me (and all of you have someone you miss too!) I'm making an effort to focus on the beauty, on the good things, on the happy things.  Hopefully, I will find some time to get in the kitchen and make a pot of Momma's soup.  And if the hubby is VERY lucky, I might even make a bowl of popcorn crunch.  And the ache of my heart has eased a little because I recently was able to use my experiences to be a guide for someone else.

Thank you, Lord, for always hearing my prayers--even when very few word will come.