September 27, 2012. That's the day my heart completely broke into. I lay on the bed, I talked to her, much of her family surrounded her. I had told her she could go weeks before. I promised I would be ok. I asked her to please tell Daddy that I kept my last promise to him--that I took care of her to the best of my ability. That I stood strong in his stead.
She waited for her "adopted" daughter to get there to say good-bye. Then she left. Just like that--she breathed her last breath. I felt her chest and it did not move. I looked up at her older sister and said "she's gone."
Then I fell apart. I cried tears I didn't know I had left. I hurt so bad. I wanted her back. Not back sick, I wanted the Momma I had always had back. The Momma who scolded me and encouraged me. The Momma who was my friend. The Momma that cooked for me every weekend. That Momma. But she wasn't coming back and I couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't call my brother; somebody else had to do that. I couldn't get up. I couldn't let go.
I COULD NOT STOP CRYING!
And I knew I wasn't crying for her--she was whole again, she was with Daddy again, she got to hold my baby sister and she got to sit at the feet of Jesus. I was crying for ME! Because in all honesty, my heart truly was completely broken. I was an orphan. I had, in one fell swoop, lost my best friend, my advisor, my mom.
5 years have passed since that day. I have only cried a handful of times since that weekend. Sometimes I think I am just cried out. And I miss her. EVERY single day. Anyone who has lost someone they loved dearly knows that feeling. You know how little things bring them to your mind; how you sometimes dream about them at night and it feels so real you expect to see them; how you've picked up the phone to call only to realize that they are not going to answer. You understand. We can empathize with each other in our losses.
BUT---the good news is that there will come a day when I will see her again (and Daddy and meet my sister and see my grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and friends who have gone home). And God promised there would be NO TEARS. None. All pain will be gone. My broken heart will be healed--my body will be perfect. How exciting! How I look forward to that day. And if you are a child of God-- you do too.
AND, I'm not really an orphan. He said He would be our Father: Psalm 68:5: A father of the fatherless... God is with me now, He was with me then and He will walk with me through the remainder of this life whether that is 30 minutes or 30 years. That brings peace. That brings hope.
So even though it often feels just like yesterday since Momma left me here, a lot has happened in those 5 years. The best part---my family has grown. We had already gained one daughter, now I have 2 and three of the most precious grandchildren ever. (I have no problems saying I am biased, but I can also give you a list of trouble areas!) My heart made room for all of them, just around the cracks in it. But I'm still looking forward to the day when we are all together again. Yet, while I am waiting, I will trust in the Lord and know that His promises are true and thank Him every day for that!
Now this part is just funny. :) Sunday we were in choir practice and we were singing "Build My Mansion" and the second part says "My mother's mansion may be close by me." As we were singing that I thought, "I don't even NEED a mansion. If Momma's is close by then I'm going to be at her "house" all of the time anyway!!! :)
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