5 years or Yesterday?

Revelation 21:4 - And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

September 27, 2012.  That's the day my heart completely broke into.  I lay on the bed, I talked to her, much of her family surrounded her.  I had told her she could go weeks before.  I promised I would be ok.  I asked her to please tell Daddy that I kept my last promise to him--that I took care of her to the best of my ability.  That I stood strong in his stead.

She waited for her "adopted" daughter to get there to say good-bye.  Then she left.  Just like that--she breathed her last breath.  I felt her chest and it did not move.  I looked up at her older sister and said "she's gone."

I was prepared.  I knew it was coming.

Then I fell apart.  I cried tears I didn't know I had left.  I hurt so bad.  I wanted her back.  Not back sick, I wanted the Momma I had always had back.  The Momma who scolded me and encouraged me.  The Momma who was my friend. The Momma that cooked for me every weekend.  That Momma.  But she wasn't coming back and I couldn't stop the tears.  I couldn't call my brother; somebody else had to do that.  I couldn't get up.  I couldn't let go.

I COULD NOT STOP CRYING!

And I knew I wasn't crying for her--she was whole again, she was with Daddy again, she got to hold my baby sister and she got to sit at the feet of Jesus.  I was crying for ME!  Because in all honesty, my heart truly was completely broken.  I was an orphan.  I had, in one fell swoop,  lost my best friend, my advisor, my mom.

5 years have passed since that day.  I have only cried a handful of times since that weekend.  Sometimes I think I am just cried out.  And I miss her.  EVERY single day.  Anyone who has lost someone they loved dearly knows that feeling.  You know how little things bring them to your mind; how you sometimes dream about them at night and it feels so real you expect to see them; how you've picked up the phone to call only to realize that they are not going to answer.  You understand.  We can empathize with each other in our losses.

BUT---the good news is that there will come a day when I will see her again (and Daddy and meet my sister and see my grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and friends who have gone home).  And God promised there would be NO TEARS.  None.  All pain will be gone.  My broken heart will be healed--my body will be perfect.  How exciting!  How I look forward to that day.  And if you are a child of God-- you do too.

AND, I'm not really an orphan.  He said He would be our Father:  Psalm 68:5:  A father of the fatherless... God is with me now, He was with me then and He will walk with me through the remainder of this life whether that is 30 minutes or 30 years.  That brings peace.  That brings hope.

So even though it often feels just  like yesterday since Momma left me here, a lot has happened in those 5 years.  The best part---my family has grown.  We had already gained one daughter, now I have 2 and three of the most precious grandchildren ever.  (I have no problems saying I am biased, but I can also give you a list of trouble areas!)   My heart made room for all of them, just around the cracks in it.  But I'm still looking forward to the day when we are all together again.  Yet, while I am waiting, I will trust in the Lord and know that His promises are true and thank Him every day for that!



Now this part is just funny. :)  Sunday we were in choir practice and we were singing "Build My Mansion" and the second part says "My mother's mansion may be close by me."  As we were singing that I thought, "I don't even NEED a mansion. If Momma's is close by then I'm going to be at her "house" all of the time anyway!!!  :)

"Dear God, my heart hurts"

Friday, September 22--first day of fall for 2017.  I looked at the weather forecast and it looks like it will be the first week of October before we are going to feel fall weather.  And I can tell you one thing, I look forward to those cooler temperatures for sure!

These days I have mixed feelings about fall.  It used to be my favorite time of year.  The cooler temps, the Friday nights of football, the opening of hunting season.  I loved watching the leaves change colors, making pots of soup, snuggling in a blanket.  Good things.  Fun things.  Happy things.

BUT, then there is the other side of fall.  The things that make it less of a favorite.  Both of my parents died in the fall.  Several other close family members died in the fall.  Less sunshine, more clouds, deeper depression.  Bad things. Heartbreaking things.  Sad things.

So every year I have to make a conscious decision as to how I am going to react.  And some years it is harder than others.  As I tried to pray the other night before bed all I could say was, "Dear God, my heart hurts."  No other words.  No other thoughts for others that needed prayers.

I know that was a selfish prayer but I also know that God hears all of our prayers--even when we are focused on ourselves.  Jeremiah 29:12 says "Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you."  He promised to hear our prayers and we know that God does not go back on His promises.  So that night as I lay there unable to sleep, unable to cry, unable to think beyond the pain, I started letting all of the sad thoughts go through my mind.  Then one of my favorite verses came into my mind--"For everything there is a season..." (Ecclesiates 3:1).  Ok, then.  This is just a season and then it will pass. But that verse finishes with "...and a time to every purpose under the heaven."

So over the next few days I thought about that word "purpose".  God has a purpose for everything we face, for every trial, for every triumph, for every valley and every mountain.  And I know there is a purpose for my hurting heart.  In time I will know, I will see, and I feel like I'm being shown a glimmer of the direction where all of that pain and loss can be used to bring glory to God.



As I said, I've always loved the changing of the colors of the leaves in the fall.  As they die it shows us that there is beauty in growing old and reaching the end of our time.  That even as we depart from our original purpose that we can still be of use.  So that is what I need to focus on.  The fact that we all have a cycle of life and there will be seasons and some will bring joy and some will bring sadness but they all come from God.  I want to be like one of those leaves.  I want to bring Him glory regardless of changes going on.  I want to be of use until I'm all used up.  That will be my goal this year.  To provide beauty in the form of a helping hand, a listening ear or a strong shoulder to those people God sends my way--that would be an excellent way to spend this fall!

Even though I miss my loved ones no longer with me (and all of you have someone you miss too!) I'm making an effort to focus on the beauty, on the good things, on the happy things.  Hopefully, I will find some time to get in the kitchen and make a pot of Momma's soup.  And if the hubby is VERY lucky, I might even make a bowl of popcorn crunch.  And the ache of my heart has eased a little because I recently was able to use my experiences to be a guide for someone else.

Thank you, Lord, for always hearing my prayers--even when very few word will come.