Spiraling Downward

"Fits of depression come over the most of us. Usually cheerful as we may be, we must at intervals be cast down. The strong are not always vigorous, the wise not always ready, the brave not always courageous, and the joyous not always happy." Charles Spurgeon

Only people who have experienced true depression can understand what it is really like.  And many who know nothing about it consider it a weakness--or worse, signs of an unsaved or backslidden person.  But that is far from true.  Depression is a medical condition that is caused by a chemical imbalance. It is a disease just like cancer or heart disease or diabetes. Not asked for and not wanted--like every other sickness in the world.  An individual with depression can treat it through therapy and/or medication but sometimes even that is not enough.  After years of taking a particular medication the body can build up a tolerance rendering the medication useless. 

That is where I find myself now.  And while I have made an appointment with my doctor for later in the week, its the "right now" that I want to share with you. This is the part of the illness that is most troubling.  The time when you want to control everything you are feeling but, even though you try, you just can't hide it from everybody.  This is the time when you try so hard to put on a happy face.  To smile like you mean it--to act interested in what somebody is saying--to appear to enjoy what you are doing.  You go to work or school or church or the grocery store like you have it all together.  Those who truly know you---know there is something amiss.  They see that the light is not there.  They see that the smile doesn't quite make it to your eyes.  They know that your contacts aren't really giving you trouble.  Or your allergies.  Or that song.  And so, you try even harder to hide it because you don't want anybody to know.  You want to pretend that all is well in your little world.  You don't want questions or concern and most certainly not pity.  You really just want to go inside yourself.  To hide from the rest of the world.  To find the strength to battle the demon that is trying so hard to take over.  To find some relief...

I've never been ashamed to share the fact that I take medication for depression.  I honestly think it is one of the things that helps me be a helper to so many others---because I know what it feels like.  I know how it feels to have reached the end of your rope and feel the knot slipping.  I know how it feels to wish you could just disappear.  I understand.  And that is probably the reason I wanted to share this.  Maybe you have these feelings; maybe it is someone you love who does. However, it is important to remember that there is help available.  That you can take it on and fight it.  That it doesn't have to determine everything about your life.

So if for the past few months I've seemed a little stand-offish or too negative or just downright irritable and mean--I hope you'll forgive me.  I hope you'll hang in there until the meds are changed and my mood begins to lift.  You don't have to try to understand because you probably can't.  And you can't fix it for me and you can't stop it from happening.  Just bear with me.  I hope you'll do the same for anybody else who is standing in my shoes---even if its you. 

And if nothing else comes out of this downward spiral, I do know that I have had to draw closer to the One who holds me in His hands. Because during these periods He seems so far away, but I know He is there--He made that promise!!  And even if  His reasons are not always known-- I always know He has a plan.

So maybe it is like the writer said in Psalm 119:71   "It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes."