You don't always get what you want...

When I was young (yeah 30-40 years ago) I had dreams.  I had goals.  I had plans.  Things I was going to do, places I was going to see,  the person I was going to become.  Obviously, what a girl wants at 12 and what she wants at 25 may be a little different.  And that was true for me.  I knew a crucial part of reaching those goals, fulfilling those dreams would be an education.  And as most of you know, I still can't seem to get enough of that.  ;)  And I wanted a husband (no complaints today on that choice), and I wanted children (not quite as spaced as I'd planned but I am so blessed with the two God sent), and I wanted...more.  Something.  I couldn't really put my finger on what it was then and I still can't say with certainty what that elusive dream is now.  But it is something.....somewhere...

Now, don't get me wrong--I'm not in NEED of anything tangible.  I have a home, a vehicle, a good job, a good church, good friends and some close family. And obviously, there is plenty of food for me to eat!   From that side, it is all ok.  I don't take any of that for granted and I know every single day how blessed I am.

But---still....something is not there.  I have no trouble acknowledging my bad traits and weaknesses.  I am very spoiled, I am very Myra-oriented, I am very strong willed (yes, hard headed but I came by that genetically!).  I don't like housework, I don't like yard work.  But even with that being said, I've tried to be a good caregiver to others, the dishes are done, the beds are made and the clothes are washed.  So I know how to do things I don't want to do.  I know how to do without things that I would like to have.  I am NOT to the point where I can say  "for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Philippians 4:11 Because that would be telling a big ole story for sure!

I guess what I keep thinking about is that "ideal self".  The person I would be if everything about me was just like I wanted it to be.  I will not bore you with that list of changes!  But what about those dreams?  What about those plans?  What about what I had hoped for?  Why didn't I get those things?  Easy answer.  ^":For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Jeremiah 29:11  

Am I sometimes disappointed that life didn't go just they way I wanted it?  Sure.  I'm human which means not perfect.  Are there things out there I still strive toward?  Sure.  I'm old but I'm not dead.  Will I ever be fully satisfied?  Probably not, but for today I'm going to look at all the good things in my life that were not in MY plans.  I'm going to acknowledge that even though I'm not my ideal self, I am healthy, I am loved, I am needed.  

So, if you see me and I look a little sad in my eyes, it is alright.  I'm just having one of those melancholy days thinking about people I miss, bad choices I've made and time that has passed.   And tomorrow, I will move one day closer to reaching that place that I really think I am longing for, that something that is truly missing.  God bless.